Ramblings from the North

I've posted this on a few message boards and sent an email to a few.
Sorry if you see this more than once.


My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire..
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~

Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
~~~~~

Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband..
~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you...Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love,
After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
~~~~~

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
~~~~~

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
~~~~~

Congratulations on your promotion
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Kentucky, West Virginia, parts of Montana, Ohio, & Texas)
~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time... let's say we stop?
~~~~~

I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
~~~~~

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.